Of Angels and Devils
"Well, well look what the cat dragged in."
For his entire life, Sam had always known that his brother would do anything for him, and Sam had known that he would do the same. He had even told Dean as much once upon a time, when life was simpler. 'You're my brother, I'd die for you.' He had never really thought about what would happen after the great sacrifice. Why would he; he'd be dead after all, and hopefully Dean would be alive and well and able to move on. 'Promise me you won't do anything stupid'
The grand sacrifice he had always knew he would make had finally came to be, and as he had stared down into his brother's one good eye, Sam felt his entire world shrink to this one moment. He could lie to himself and say that it was just the weight of it all that made the feeling overwhelm him, but deep down Sam was tired of lying. His entire life was made up of lies, he just wanted one thing in his life to be pure and untainted and this was it. His undying love for the man he just nearly allowed the devil to beat to death with his own hands.
"It's ok Dean, its gonna be ok." Were the last words he uttered to the one person who actually made him feel as if he were a good man, but they weren't the words he wanted to say. There were no words he could think of to express his feelings as he stood there in that moment that wouldn't just piss his brother off more; because he knew it was never gonna be ok for Dean. It hadn't been ok for him when the tables had been reversed 2 years ago. When the thought of losing Dean had fucked him up so badly that he allowed a fucking demon to sway him in ways that made him hate himself.
So no Sam didn't tell his brother he loved him, had loved him more than he had ever loved their father. He didn't tell Dean that he finally got it. That he now understood that he ran for all the wrong reasons. Home and normal weren't some idealized picket fence and SUV. They were the rumble of an engine and the barely there whisper of off key humming. He didn't tell Dean that he was grateful for every sacrifice he'd ever made just to put his little brother first. That he was the best big brother he could ever hope for or deserve.
He told Dean none of that and instead lied and made empty, but profoundly meaningful promises. Because he had to.
If Sam expressed his love now, it would only be worse. Sam already knew this was gonna kill his brother and he wouldn't dare add more to it. So as Michael slammed into him and propelled them both over the edge, the only thing Sam could think, was the only thing that ever really mattered. 'I love you.'
Pain. Searing, blinding, mind-numbing pain was the only thing he could feel. Every inch of his body burned and ached. He wasn't sure where he was or how he even got there, but he was free. Tears threatened to fall as he kneeled the dirt, a hoarse sob escaping as he trembled. He tried not to think of the hows or whys. He didn't want to ruin this one moment. Not yet.
"Cas," he called for the angel automatically, wanting and hoping for his friend. Then he remembered Lucifer killing the angel as he protected Dean, or tried to protect Dean from Sam. How could he forget Cas. The angel had given up everything for them. He sacrificed his life for Dean in the very end.
The very thought of his brother kicked him into gear. Ignoring his own pain, Sam got to his feet and started to run only to freeze at the sight of the impala. Parked in Lisa Braedens driveway. Ignoring the fact that he was conveniently where he wanted to be, Sam moved closer to the house and the car that called him so strongly. God he was so close to the only thing that could give him peace, yet he wasn't stupid enough to believe it was this simple.
For starters the closer he got to the house the quieter the surrounding area got. There was no distant sounds of traffic, no barking dogs, not even the chirping of crickets. It was all to perfect and that idea alone made Sam sick. Dean wasn't safe. How could he be.
The flickering of the light caught his eye as he stood beneath it. The omen he dreaded more than he ever thought possible. He was monster, something forced to haunt the outskirts of Dean's life, never to get involved or be apart of. The idea made him want to lash out and destroy everything in his path, especially as he caught sight of his brother; sitting down to eat with a pretty dark haired woman and a young boy. It was such a domestic scene. It was so wrong, even if it was what he begged his brother to do. Dean looked broken, his smile wasn't even a half of its usual brilliance. A hot flicker of anger burned beneath his skin as he zeroed his gaze on to Lisa Braeden. She was supposed to be helping Dean. She was supposed to be making his loss easier.
"Did you really think that was gonna happen Sam?"
The voice, soft and hard all at once with just a hint of mocking, belonged to none other than Jo Harvelle. Her blonde hair hung loose over her shoulders, She was wearing a simple black tank top and blue jeans Her hands were shoved into the back pockets of her jeans and she was just watching him as if he were a show. The delicate arch of her eyebrow and the look on her face was really not helping his anger management controls very much.
"You're dead," he growled as he took a menacing step forward. The need to hurtbreakcontrol the thing wearing Jo's face overwhelming in it's fierceness. Whatever rage issues Sam thought he had prior to the Pit paled in comparison to now.
"And you went to Hell, but yet here you are. I never knew you were the stalker type." She moved past Sam to stare into the dining room window. "Ya know, I used to think that if you ever died he'd come look me up. I had this grand illusion that we'd hunt together, sleep together, argue whether Kashmir or Ramble On was the better Zeppelin song. We'd drink warm beer from the back seat and eat day old pizza. Pathetic huh?"
He ignored the wistful tone of her voice and focused on the fact that he had watched her bleed out almost a year ago. She should be nothing more than a bloodstain on cement. "What. Are. You."
"Like he would ever get over the loss of you. I was childish to think so," she pushed on completely ignoring his question. "I feel for that woman. She's nothing more than a fourth string replacement. Her son being third string of course, and Castiel, well..." Once she finally turned back to acknowledge him, Sam saw a deep understanding and sadness in her eyes and his anger seemed to falter, not entirely sure what to make of the situation.
"The love he once carried for her, it died the same day as you Sam. She never had - and please pardon my pun - a chance in Hell at easing his pain. You can't rape the willing and ya can't help those that don't want it."
"But he promised-"
"And he's living up to that promise. He didn't go and try and bargain your ass out of the pit. He's here, living, breathing. It's what you wanted right?"
Rolling his bottom lip into his mouth, Sam refused to answer her. She was wrong, Dean loved Lisa and wanted to be with her and Ben. He could hear the thing that looked like Jo huff from beside him, but he still wouldn't give it a response, instead he continued to stare at Dean and his miserable good for nothing family scene and wish for it to go up in flames.
"What did you expect to happen Sam?" Her soft voice was nothing more than a whisper, but it stopped him cold in his tracks and brought his attention back to her. "You went to Hell and left him here with the knowledge that he failed the only person he wanted to protect. You really thought Dean was just gonna be ok with your sacrifice. You're not that stupid Sam. Arrogant and stubborn yes, but stupid..."
"What was I supposed to do huh, let Lucifer kill him? Let the world burn?"
"I don't have answers for ya Sam. I really wish I did, but I don't."
"Then why are you HERE!" His voice echoes in the silence, but doesn't seem to disturb the domestic scene before them. The trio inside were completely oblivious to the chaos just outside.
"You wanna break it apart don't you? Tear them all limb from limb. You can taste it can't you. How sweet their blood would be, particularly Ben with his youth and innocence. I'm sure Ruby must have gave you that little treat a time or two. Otherwise you wouldn't have the craving for it. " Her voice shifted from comforting to seducing, and Sam would be lying if he said he was tempted.
"Your eyes turned black Sam. Long before Lucifer took you on a test drive your eyes went black. Aren't you just the tiniest bit curious as to why?" Circling in front of him, Jo turned into Dean.
"You went to Hell and came back with black eyes. You really think Dean is gonna believe you're you? That you're not some soulless monster wearing his brothers meat? How'd ya think he's gonna feel when he learns you are the monster." There was a cruel smirk on his face and Sam tried to escape from him by turning away but everywhere he turned was his brother.
"I can help you Sam, you just have to let me."
"How?" The words were whispered and quiet. He wanted to say he was confused, but deep down Sam knew what Dean was getting at. Glancing back to the house all was dark and quiet. Time passing unusually fast as faint sounds began to scratch at the silence. Screams and shouts echoing in the distance
"Just take my hand and it will all just go away," he promised as he held out a calloused hand
Pulling back from Dean as his name echoed around them, Sam watched as the illusion turned into reality and instead of being at Lisa's, he was back in the cage and Dean was only Lucifer.
"They can't save you Sam. The cage was designed to hold indefinitely. It took Armageddon last time. I really don't see a couple of drunk hunters and a low level angel causing-"
Light, bright, shining and burning. Everything burned away as he screamed in pain until there was only silence.
Squinting, Sam tried to get his bearings, but the only thing he could focus on was the pounding in his head, and the fact that he was in an open grave.
"Well, well look what the cat dragged in." Freezing at the voice Sam couldn't believe his luck.
"Howdy Sam," Meg smiled as she stared down into the open grave. "I betcha I know a coupla boys that would love to know you're free of the pit.